This is not your usual semi-philosophical post. This is a sincere post inspired by my own life.

I am in a period when confusion dominates my life and I can’t stand it anymore. All sorts of things are coming down on me and I’m to tired to stay sane.

I look around me and see that almost all of my friends have moved on. This makes me wonder if I am the reason for that. Am I such a bad person, do I excel at keeping people away or at making people so uncomfortable that they prefer not to spend time with me? I guess not. I think the reason is that, because of my current temper and mood I make then feel strage so they prefer to let me alone. I can accept that, but at least they should let me know that this is the reason. Another reason might be the fact that the group has become populated by people I can’t stand and that the group has broke apart (this has happened before but I was hoping not to see it happen again).

Have you ever noticed the balance of things in life? I mean, there is a period when good things happen only to be followed by some bad ones so that equilibrium is kept. I feel to awkward to elaborate now, but I will return to this in a future post.

This just crossed my mind while trying to find something to write about for today’s post on Suicidal Tendency: I am an atheist and so do not believe in any god or divine being nor in heaven or hell; the main idea is that Christianity tells believers that after they die they will go to heaven or to hell according to their deeds in life. In both of these places the experiences one can have are infinite. The idea is that the human mind, when exposed to repeated ideas, actions or thoughts is known to become numb. If the time is long enough the mind will become so numb that it will enter a state of insanity, depression or it will simply break down. In the case of heaven, one would assume that the kinds of mental states experienced would be euphoria, reverence, and other positive states. But logic dictates that this is not possible, because the mental states are limited to “feel-good” types; which by definition is not infinite. In order for the variety to be truly infinite, there must be elements of evil. One might suggest that once a certain sensation is overused, a switch to something different is in order. As varied as heaven’s experiences may be, they still cannot escape the inevitability of becoming unappealing. On the other side of the coin, there’s hell. Hell is basically the exact opposite of heaven in that the primary emotions are sorrow, pain, fear, and regret. As above, the human mind will eventually become accustomed to this. Eventually, the suffering will become nothing and there will be no punishment to the person; however varied it is. This discussion leads to the concept of good and evil, but I will express my opinion some other time. Besides this subject, because of reading Dante’s “Inferno” (see Book(s) reading) I started searching the web and eventually stumbled upon Dante’s Inferno Test - Impurity, Sin and Damnation. It is a small test that will tell you in which of the circles of hell you belong to. My result is as follows: The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished me to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!

Here is how I matched up against all the levels:

Thank you my sunshine for getting me out of that stupid mood I was in. I love you!

I feel depressed and suicidal. I don’t quite know the reason, but still, this is the way I feel. I feel pity for myself, a person who most probably won’t succeed in anything he will attempt to do…

“Love is more unitive than knowledge in seeking the thing, not the thing’s reason; its bent is to a real union, though this can be constituted only by knowledge. Other effects of love are enumerated: a reciprocal abiding, mutua inhaesio, of lover and beloved together; a transport, extasis, out of the self to the other; an ardent cherishing, zelus, of another; a melting, liquefactio, so that the heart is unfrozen and open to be entered; a longing in absence, languor, heat in pursuit, fervor; and enjoyment in presence, fruitio. In delight, too, there is an all at once wholeness and timelessness that reflects the tota simul of eternity; and edge of sadness similar to that of the Gift of Knowledge; an expansion of spirit; a complete fulfilment of activity without satiety, for they that drink shall yet thirst.”

I am now sitting alone in my room, looking at one of them out of my windows, passing slowly and gracefully. It remembers me of us, slowly drifting through life, leaving traces of rain drops behind: smiles, laughter, tears…

Sometimes we float bright filled with light from our sun (our loved one, our family, our friends, our jobs and even ourselves) making everything we encounter glow with happiness while other times we are dark and evil-looking, a threat for all things good. They get carried away by winds while we get carried by emotions and thought, they cry and so do we, the smile just like us and can bright a day just like a kiss or a friendly smile.

The first time I heard about the fact that you will have to pay to go to Stufstock (the largest free open air rock and folk festival held in Vama Veche at the Black Sea) I considered it to be a sell-out. Just like the hotels and cabans in Vama Veche, the only place where camping was still permited. It seemed strange to have to pay to view something that wanted to be a celebration of freedom, a festival known for it’s cheap beer, good music and free camping but after some consideration and thought I came to the conclusion that it is actually better this way.

I heard about the fact that at Liberty Parade (I managed not to go but I kind of regret it now) a lot of the people who attended had nothing in common with house music but where there just because it was free. I also heard that those people managed quite nicely to ruin it for the few persons who were there for the music. All of this was confirmed by reading an article written by Dragos Vasile in 24-Fun magazine which stated the following (Romanian version and English translation):

“Il vezi coborand din masini sport al caror portbagaj duduie demonstrativ de la subwoofer. Cu frezele lor trase la xerox dupa rubrica de stil si atitudine din revista Ciao. Cu tricourile lor de supraelastic mulate pe bicepsii vesnic incordati sau cu niste camasi albe, cambrate periculos, la limita homosexualitatii. Cu blugii franjurati, mulati pe curul lor ferm, de baieti care nu vor avea niciodata hemoroizi, pentru ca n-au nevoie sa stea 10 ore pe zi la birou, de vreme ce parintii chivernisiti au avut deja grija de sanatatea lor. Cu mersul lor ciumec, de agatat in Mall, mirosind a cate 50 de mililitri de parfum tare, ca sa simti de la 10 metri cu ce smecher ai de-a face. In fine, strangandu-se cu miile la evenimente “trendy”, cu DJ “de house”, desi in torpedoul masinilor sport din care coboara ai sa dibuiesti, alaturi de “Soaptele”-ul lui DJ Project, CD-uri cu Sorinel Copilul de Aur, pe care le asculta el duminica seara, in parcarea din fata blocului. In weekendul trecut, peste 50.000 de oameni si-au pus tricourile in miscare la Liberty Parade, pe plaja dintre statiunile Venus si Satrun. A fost - putina liniste in boxele din spate - cel mai mare eveniment house din Romania. Organizatorii (Radio 21 si Publicis Dialog) au decis ca a fost o reusita fenomenala, iar comunicatul lor de presa incepe cu-n schepsis total, ca “Adagio for String”, capodopera inegalabilului Tiesto: “Hai sa facem un exercitiu de imaginatie. Inchideti ochii. Inchipuiti-va ca va aflati undeva sus, la aproximativ 5 metrii deasupra pamantului”. Ei bine, i-am inchis. Am vazut 50.000 de oameni dintre care 45.000 nu inseamna nimic - adica exact taranii care se ciumecesc si fac show la marile evenimente moca. Cu restul de 5.000 de romani cumsecade, care au CD-uri cu Electric Brother, cred ca m-am intalnit anul trecut, la Faithless.”

“You see them everyday, coming out of their fancy sport cars, each with a trunk sounding louder and louder ?cause of their subwoofers. All with their hairstyle copied from the style&attitude heading of the ?Ciao? magazine. All with their t-shirts fitting closely on their all time strained biceps or with their white tight shirts that look almost gay. All with their fringed jeans that fit closely on their firm asses, asses of guys that will never have to suffer from piles ?cause they don?t have to spend 10 hours daily sitting on a chair since their rich parents have already managed to raise a little fortune. With that really sexy walk of them, that they use every time they?re in the Mall, smelling like 50 milliliters of that strong perfume, so you could feel 10 meters away what a smartass you are dealing with. Or anyhow, you see them all coming to these ?trendy? shows, where they?d find ?house music ?dj?s, although inside their cars, next to the DJ Project?s cd is what else, but Sorinel Copilu? de Aur?s one, cd that they listen to every Sunday evening, as they spend time with their gang in the car parking near the building where they live.
Last weekend everyone has took his t-shirt to the Liberty Parade, event organized on the beach situated between Venus and Saturn resorts. This has been - a little silence in there behind - the greatest house event in Romania. The organizers (Radio 21 and Publicis Dialog) have decided that it was a phenomenal success. And their press release starts with a complete schepsis, just like the masterpiece of the great Tiesto - ?Adagio for string?: ?Close your eyes. Now imagine that you?re somewhere high, at about 5 meters above the earth.” Well, I?ve closed them. And I saw 50.000 people, while 45.000 of them mean absolutely nothing - meaning all those idiots that show up at every free event they can. The other 5000 Romanian nice guys, that have Electric Brothers? cd, well, with those I believe I met last year, at the Faithless concert.” (You’ll have to thank porcelain doll for the translation)

This is the reason I’m now glad that the entrance to the festival is no longer free. There will be no more people who shouldn’t belong there, people who mostly ruin the atmosphere and are just a waste of space and air. No more listeners of manele, no more people who go to Vama Veche and Stufstock just because it’s cool; only rock and folk fans, only people who blend in with the others there and who can understand and apreciate what the organisers prepared for them. What at first looked as something that will destroy the spirit of Stufstock may just be the thing to preserve it and keep it intact. I look foreward to the festival (even if most likely I won’t be attending) to see the impact of the entrance fee (it’s not expensive, it’s just 35 RON, which is approximately 15 USD for a three day festival). If you’re interested you can find more information here.

All of this is just another example of stupidity and herd instinct some people have. They just can’t help themselves when they see an event that is free; it doesn’t matter what just as long as you don’t have to pay anything. So they go, and spoil it. Too bad that they are so many.

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