On other notes, this place is going to become a little more personal; that or I’ll start another blog somewhere on the Internet. The reason? I’m going to England to study and I’d like to share my opinions of the country, the people and the education. I’m not going alone, but with my good friend Andy, of Colored African Snow fame. It’s really going to be an interesting and tiresome experience, but I am confident that we will cope well there.

On a shorter note, I hope to update more often and also get involved more in ArenaIT which I’ve been neglecting for some time despite promising myself that I won’t.

Long Road Ahead

P.S. The photos I am most proud of are the ones at the end.

His nights were short if by night we understand the period in which he slept; around 3 hours per day with something extra in the weekends to keep him going. The rest of the time it was just routine: waking up at around 6:30 AM, checking his email hoping he would have received anything else but spam in the 3-4 hour interval since his last check, reading his newsfeeds and then making his way into the city for a sprawling day. He didn’t drank coffee nor did he smoke… the tech and the occasional meetings with his girl friend were more than enough to keep him energized during the day; well, to be honest, he didn’t use much energy seeing as he wouldn’t do any physically challenging work and the intellectual one was, for most of the time, just part of the routine.

He would get back home, plug in his notebook to charge and go online to relieve some stress through gaming; he loved voice-chat, he loved his head-set and he loved the community. After failing to organize real life meetings like the ones he did when he was a little younger he retreated in the virtual playgrounds as Dungeon Master and Community Event Scheduler. It was his responsibility to drag people in the servers and keep them there. He once again had the power.

He mostly missed his girlfriends presence in his life. She was on her path to success by following a great college and getting a double degree in psychology and criminology, path which required her total dedication; although he missed her a lot he could not bear to tell her that because he was proud of her and tried to support her in any way possible; he learned to live with hearing only her voice for long periods of time and getting together only on Friday’s or Saturday’s twice a month or so. He loved her to much but he was strange: he sometimes neglected her only to smoother and suffocate her the next time they met. He thought it was due to the fact that he was sometimes uncertain that she still loved him, but he was just paranoid.

It was 03:25 AM…

I have been looking at Twitter for some while now but didn’t manage to get myself into it; the whole micro-blogging ecosystem wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but lacking any real alternative I found myself opening an account there. The strange thing is that I am starting to enjoy it because it allows a way to release myself into the wild (figure of speech) without burdening this cranny of the web with random short general info.

So, I give to you My Lost Shadows’ Twitter page. Enjoy!

Not much to say, just a small note to myself to stay closer to reality and enjoy the persons and things which are near me. I neglected everything lately and I’m not proud with myself even though my goals are set and I’m on my way.

I don’t want perfection because I have found it in the form of a porcelain doll nor do I want greatness because, well because I’m not that kind of person. Then why am I sad and think of the worst? I should get a hold on myself, slap that little scared boy inside and make him shut up because I need to be sane.

I need a trip under the heavy blanket, a trip in the world where I can be happy and forget.

Have you ever had that smile upon your face, a smile that only one other person understands because she is the reason for it? Or that giggle and shiver at the touch, that touch? The whispers and the sighs when you leave for the unknown and the hope that only the best will come out of it?

The future has opened up to me and I just have to reach out and grab it’s hand. Spread your fingers, touch my lips. I can read your lips with my fingertips, but do we really want to know our secret? I don’t, because it’s ours, just like that mirror and that room… even more, they’re yours and I can just hope to be there when they come true.

In the end, what is a secret without anyone to share it with? You know my secrets…

I love walking in the rain, or better said under the rain. Why? Because it gives me the impression that it cleanses all the dirt I have on my soul and mind, it purifies my thoughts and lungs and sends shivers down my spine. What better time to think than when you are soaked, passing empty streets, shops and a sad nature.

Yes, it reminds me of autumn and this may very well be the reason why I love it so much… or maybe all those memories of times long forgotten, memories of smiles, friends and lack of worries and cares. I was younger then, didn’t even think about love and enjoyed all those little silly things that make a boy smile (squished bugs on the sidewalk, roller-skating etc.); I love the rain, I hate the water; weird isn’t it?

The drops were small but they came down with anger as to remind me of all the things I promised and never did, of all the dark spots on my brain that start to breathe whenever I can’t sleep at night and which torture me; but not that sweet torture which I voluntarily enjoy every once in a while - a torture so beautiful.

I’ve lost my line of thought. So, the rain was great and it made me feel alive; it gave me the time to soak and think about all those things which I’ve neglected. And the trip was worth it for I have seen my love.

I like the worlds I travel, I like the people I encounter and the things I have to do; I like to think that I don’t neglect the real world either… I have friends who don’t game, I have a special friend whom I love and care for so my life should be fine right? Well no, because the gaming I do is a form of escapism: the real life hurts me so much that I take every opportunity I have to retire, recover and release my stress and anger somewhere else; if I wouldn’t have been doing this for the last 10 years or so I might have been dead or in jail a long time ago. In the virtual you can just forget about all those things that hurt, you can find good company and have a couple of moments of fun; and when you come back to the real life you’re charged and ready to face them, to be strong and not get hurt by all their petty acts.

But what happens when all that collapses? What happens when the gates to those worlds close and you find yourself angry, sad and curious at the same time. “How will I survive and relinquish the hate I have inside of me?” I know, I’m just emo here but this is the question I asked myself the first time that happened and this is the question I’m asking myself now. If last time I managed to get distracted by other activities and started holding it inside of me, now I am too full and too caught up in my sort-of-former life that I don’t know if I will be able to find an escape route.

And what happens when you get too bored to game anymore? You try to find other means of escapism, I know, but I personally can’t find them anymore… I might try to read a good book and succeed, or see a movie (tough chance) but those don’t bring the rewards and thrills I’m used to get; yes, I’m hooked on gaming, any kind of gaming, be it computer, console or real-life. I play with everyone I meet, be it an innocent and simple game or a devious and dangerous one… I like setting traps, I like testing people and see most of them as being just pieces sitting on my board. I am the dungeon master and they are just given the impression that they have a choice; I know the beasts they will encounter for I will unleash them on to them and I know the treasures they will find when they reach the end of the dungeon, if they will. But am I really changing anything, am I having an impact?

In the end, am I just rolling dice, playing with my life and with the life of others in a strange and fucked-up game? Because it certainly feels this way at certain points; or maybe I’m just paranoid and interpreting things that don’t actually take place and see signs that aren’t really there. I live my life, be it good or bad, but I want a little more control, not just a 2d8 roll to see if I can win the princess and resurrect my fallen ego.

She was made from a fork, a plain object and became a ballerina, rising from her low statute to the true expression of art through movement. She isn’t very tall but despite of this she is pleased with herself.

She had a somewhat tragic faith: she was lost during the return of our artists and wasn’t found until one day my father started emptying his case for another expedition and there she was; he was pleased and relieved in seeing nothing bad had happened to her and they all got together again and drank for her safe return.

The pictures speak for themselves (the camera isn’t too good and the lighting could have been better, I know, you smurky photographers).