Game?

I play a lot and I’m not afraid to admit it. I game even when I should do other things; I game when I’m sad, when I’m bored, when I’m happy or drunk, when I’m alone or with friends. I must of played in every possible mood and under every imaginable circumstance, for you see, I am a gamer.

I like the worlds I travel, I like the people I encounter and the things I have to do; I like to think that I don’t neglect the real world either… I have friends who don’t game, I have a special friend whom I love and care for so my life should be fine right? Well no, because the gaming I do is a form of escapism: the real life hurts me so much that I take every opportunity I have to retire, recover and release my stress and anger somewhere else; if I wouldn’t have been doing this for the last 10 years or so I might have been dead or in jail a long time ago. In the virtual you can just forget about all those things that hurt, you can find good company and have a couple of moments of fun; and when you come back to the real life you’re charged and ready to face them, to be strong and not get hurt by all their petty acts.

But what happens when all that collapses? What happens when the gates to those worlds close and you find yourself angry, sad and curious at the same time. “How will I survive and relinquish the hate I have inside of me?” I know, I’m just emo here but this is the question I asked myself the first time that happened and this is the question I’m asking myself now. If last time I managed to get distracted by other activities and started holding it inside of me, now I am too full and too caught up in my sort-of-former life that I don’t know if I will be able to find an escape route.

And what happens when you get too bored to game anymore? You try to find other means of escapism, I know, but I personally can’t find them anymore… I might try to read a good book and succeed, or see a movie (tough chance) but those don’t bring the rewards and thrills I’m used to get; yes, I’m hooked on gaming, any kind of gaming, be it computer, console or real-life. I play with everyone I meet, be it an innocent and simple game or a devious and dangerous one… I like setting traps, I like testing people and see most of them as being just pieces sitting on my board. I am the dungeon master and they are just given the impression that they have a choice; I know the beasts they will encounter for I will unleash them on to them and I know the treasures they will find when they reach the end of the dungeon, if they will. But am I really changing anything, am I having an impact?

In the end, am I just rolling dice, playing with my life and with the life of others in a strange and fucked-up game? Because it certainly feels this way at certain points; or maybe I’m just paranoid and interpreting things that don’t actually take place and see signs that aren’t really there. I live my life, be it good or bad, but I want a little more control, not just a 2d8 roll to see if I can win the princess and resurrect my fallen ego.